VI. 3 Musketeers: The Bane of Chocolate Aficionados

Originally posted at A List of Grievances on August 30, 2011.

So it’s been a while since I had any grievances to air. Plus I was busy graduating and shit. (Someone tell me what to do with this B.A. in English because, seriously, right now your guess is as good as mine.) But I found something that grinds my gears (and it isn’t Asian pop fangirls – this time): 3 Musketeers candy bars.

I was at the grocery store with my mom the other day before Hurricane Irene whipped through Wilmington (and by whipped through, I mean “missed by, like, fifty miles”), picking up the necessities – booze, peanuts, Coke – to get us through the ‘cane. We were sort of drifting aimlessly because we were hungry, and you really shouldn’t go to the grocery store on an empty stomach, lest you buy four bags of chips and forget the milk. Anyway, we ended up checking out the candy aisle. My mom and I have a nasty sweet tooth between the two of us; every time we say we’re going to quit the sweets, she or I will invariably open the freezer and yell, “Why don’t we have any fucking ice cream?” (You can see my quest to get back to a size four is working out really well.)

We were poking around the mixed bags because, you know, variety is nice. Why buy three different bags of things when you can get one bag with everything in it? So we found one we liked – Milky Way, Milky Way Midnight (I don’t like them, but my mom does, so it works), Snickers, Twix… and 3 Musketeers.

3 Musketeers fucking suck. They’re like diet chocolate, and thus a total waste of guilty calories. 3 Musketeers consist of fluffy, super-aerated nougat encased in a chocolate shell. They have no textural component and they taste like… nothing. Sugar. They barely even taste like chocolate.

I ask you, what is the damn point of eating a 3 Musketeers? If you’re going to eat a candy bar, fucking eat a real one. I mean, shit, who even likes nougat? Nougat is the stuff you eat while you ask yourself where the goddamn caramel is. Even Milky Way realized that no one fucking likes nougat, so they released the Milky Way Double Caramel bar. Snickers has nougat, but at least it’s got peanuts and caramel to add flavor and texture! 3 Musketeers is a cop-out of a candy bar, the bastard stepchild of the Milky Way. If your favorite candy bar is 3 Musketeers, you need to re-evaluate your priorities. If you’re trying to eat healthy, eat a freaking apple. Don’t waste your time on this sorry excuse for chocolate.

Needless to say, we skipped out on the candy and bought Sara Lee frozen chocolate lava cakes instead. Suck on that, 3 Musketeers.

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About Liz

I'm a graduate student at Emerson College, pursuing my masters in publishing.
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